I'm Z, I'm 22 and have been married to my wonderful DH for 3 1/2 years (on the 26th!). We have one amazing little boy named Samson that is the absolute light of my life. He was born on November 16, 2010 at 3:29 pm, my life has never been the same and I'm thankful everyday that God gave him to us. We started trying for #2 in July of 2011, but I was still breastfeeding and didn't start cycling until the beginning of September. Much to our surprise, I got pregnant in December and we were over the moon at the thought of another little baby to love.
On January 10, 2012, I began spotting which quickly turned to bleeding, it was later found that my betas were extremely low for 5 weeks and that they were not doubling the way they should. We had lost the baby before it even had a chance to grow.
The loss is very fresh, only 5 days out and I go from being fine one minute to welling up with tears the next. We barely had any time with our baby, just 12 short days, but in those days we were happy. So ridiculously happy.
I think about what could have been, first kicks, and hiccups, our ultrasound where we see our precious baby squirm around, finding out the sex and going shopping for tiny newborn clothes. Going into labor and rushing to the hospital, hearing the first cries and seeing his or her beautiful face, kissing those cheeks and counting those toes. Watching my son become a big brother and grow up protecting his little brother or sister. I don't get those memories, I don't get that time. All we have to mourn are the memories we'll never have and pictures we'll never take.
My blog title and post title are from a poem that has always brought me to tears.
Mother's Song
My heart is like a fountain true
That flows and flows with love to you.
As chirps the lark unto the tree
...So chirps my pretty babe to me.
There's not a rose where'er I seek,
As comely as my baby's cheek.
There's not a comb of honey-bee,
So full of sweets as babe to me.
There's not a star that shines on high,
Is brighter than my baby's eye.
There's not a boat upon the sea,
Can dance as baby does to me.
No silk was ever spun so fine
As is the hair of baby mine.
My baby smells more sweet to me
Than smells in spring the elder tree.
A little fish swims in the well,
So in my heart does baby dwell.
A little flower blows on the tree,
My baby is the flower to me.
The Queen has sceptre, crown and ball,
You are my sceptre, crown and all.
For all her robes of royal silk,
More fair your skin, as white as milk.
Ten thousand parks where deer do run,
Ten thousand roses in the sun,
Ten thousand pearls beneath the sea,
My babe more precious is to me.
That flows and flows with love to you.
As chirps the lark unto the tree
...So chirps my pretty babe to me.
There's not a rose where'er I seek,
As comely as my baby's cheek.
There's not a comb of honey-bee,
So full of sweets as babe to me.
There's not a star that shines on high,
Is brighter than my baby's eye.
There's not a boat upon the sea,
Can dance as baby does to me.
No silk was ever spun so fine
As is the hair of baby mine.
My baby smells more sweet to me
Than smells in spring the elder tree.
A little fish swims in the well,
So in my heart does baby dwell.
A little flower blows on the tree,
My baby is the flower to me.
The Queen has sceptre, crown and ball,
You are my sceptre, crown and all.
For all her robes of royal silk,
More fair your skin, as white as milk.
Ten thousand parks where deer do run,
Ten thousand roses in the sun,
Ten thousand pearls beneath the sea,
My babe more precious is to me.
I hope our future has happier times and more love, I hope we can move through this tragedy, but never forget the baby that we loved so much. It's hard to think of going on when I'm missing a piece of my heart that I'll never get back.
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