2012 Can Kiss My Ass.

It's been exactly two months since I m/c our September Baby. Two months since I laid on our bathroom floor trying not to pass out and throw up from the pain. Two months since I finally accepted it was over and our lives were forever changed. These past three months have held such significance in my life that it's hard to grasp it and put it into reality.

I've barely talked about what happened this week with anyone, not even DH but here's my story.

This past cycle, we were TTA, but had one night of drunken passionate sex without using protection nearish O. Very shockingly, that's all it took. I started seeing the faintest of faint lines on Monday, March 19th and just chalked them up to evap lines and went on my merry way. I tossed and turned all night and finally woke up at 5:20 and couldn't get back to sleep so I decided to test. Within 3 minutes a line started showing up on my dollar store test. I laughed to myself and thought "Oh, holy shit. Of course this would happen." So I took another with the same pee, and sure enough, two lines. DH woke up about an hour later and I showed him the tests, even with his line-blindness, he saw them all. I was amazed that he saw them and I wasn't losing my mind. I continued testing all day and continued to get the lines on the dollar store tests, but my FRERs were pretty much negative. At about 2:30 that afternoon I started getting crampy and was hoping it was just normal early pregnancy symptoms. My internet cheapies started becoming positive around that time and I got more and more excited.

Around 4 I decided to test again because I was determined to get a positive FRER, when I went to the bathroom I was spotting, "Shit". Very quickly my cramps picked up and the spotting turned to flow, and very quickly my excitement turned to confusion and disappointment.

Many thoughts and questions went through my head, some of which I'm still asking myself. I wondered if I made it up, if I imagined the lines and DH was just there humoring me. I wondered if the tests were all faulty and the lines I thought were positive were just evaps. Ultimately I've come to the conclusion that it was indeed a chemical pregnancy and cursed from the start. Over before it even began.

I've had trouble these past two days deciding on what I'm feeling from this loss and the only word I can come up with is "disappointed". I'm disappointed I got excited for nothing. I'm disappointed we let this happen. But mostly, I'm disappointed that this is my second pregnancy that never had a chance.

My optimism I had at the beginning of the month has diminished and while I'm excited to try again, I'm scared shitless. Shitless. I don't want another loss, I don't want to fall in love just to have it ripped away from me. I don't want to start plans and watch them fade away and turn into utter devastation at the reality that my baby is gone. My babies are gone.

So, yea, 2012 can suck it.

Edited on 4-12 with a picture that I finally came across that I didn't look at until today. Very light, but I definitely see them now. 

Ahhhh, March!

It's MARCH! Holy crap! Where has the time slipped away to?

We're just a month and a half away from TTC again and I'm so hopeful and excited to get started. I'm on CD 12 of my 2nd post m/c cycle and I plan to start temping after the weekend, keep your fingers crossed that I O either really early, really late so the timing is good for when the MTX will be out of my system (April 20th).

I feel good where we're at and although we're anxious to get started and are still mourning the loss of our baby, we are enjoying spending lots of time with Samson. He's so much work and it's nice to be able to focus all our attention on him and each other.

Living life after a loss is really a hit and miss. Some days I feel completely and totally fine and don't even think about it, other days everything reminds me of my baby, or how far along I should be (12 1/2 weeks, but who's counting?). I got a memorial ring for the baby and shortly after we bought it, one of the diamonds fell out so it was gone to the jewelers for over 2 weeks. Ever since I got it back, it's been bittersweet seeing it on my finger.

Anyway, the beginning of this month has brought me a lot of hope as I look forward to the warmer weather, lots of birthdays between now and when we start trying again (6 of them!) and all the beautiful magnolia blossoms that are budding on our tree.

I'm in a happy place in life and I can't wait for it to get even better.