9 Week Update!

Holy crap! Where has time slipped away to? I've had a lot of awesome experiences the past couple weeks. I had my first beta drawn on April 30th at about 25-26 DPO and it came back amazingly, over 8,000! Whew! My doctor was very pleased and I scheduled my first u/s for the following Monday, May 7th. That was the longest week of my life, I had so many nerves and while I was scared, I was just really looking forward to seeing our baby and hopefully the heartbeat. The u/s started and the tech was very nice and explained everything that she'd be doing. I held my breath as she looked for the baby, finally after what felt like hours, she pointed to the screen and said "Here's your baby, and see that flicker? That's the heartbeat"

I bawled. I saw my tiny little baby with its amazing little heart pumping away, measuring just a couple days behind my LMP DD, but right in line with my O date. Perfect. I'm getting teary eyed and choked up just typing this out. I felt so much relief and I was just beaming while we walked out of the doctors office.

Last week I decided to bust out my doppler, even though I told myself I wouldn't, and even though I knew it was waaay too early. I tried at 7w 6d and again the next day, all I could hear was my body digesting and my own heatbeat, no shocker. I held off a day or too and tried again last Friday at about 8w 3d and caught the shortest blip of what I was pretty sure was the heartbeat, I couldn't find it again and gave up until that night when H was home. H was watching the Boston game (go Celtics!) and I found it and yelled "Pause it!!" and we got to listen to our tiny baby's heart gallop away at 163, so so happy!

How far along? 9 weeks 1 day

Weight gain/loss: Down 3 lbs

Feeling: Eh, super nauseous a lot of days and sooo tired. Sometimes I feel completely fine and then it hits me and I think I'll throw up, but I haven't yet.

Maternity clothes? Some! I bought some cute maternity capris and have worn those a few times. Even though I've lost weight, my jeans aren't fitting like they usually do. I also spend the majority of my day in jogging or sweat pants.

Sleep: It's okay, not as good as it was, I fall asleep earlier and then will wake up at 4-5 and have a little trouble getting back to sleep.

Food cravings: Pizza! Even if I feel super sick, I could still choke down a piece of pizza, especially stuffed crust.

Movement? Not yet, hopefully in the next 4-5 weeks, I can't wait to feel that butterfly!

What I miss? Not feeling sick and having energy.

Best moment this week: Hands down, hearing the heartbeat. 

What I'm looking forward to: Our town's parade that our family is walking in for H's work. It's always fun and I think Samson will have a good time.

Next Appointment: June 13th, I just had my intake appt this past Monday and the nurse was worthless because she's a Peds nurse and was just helping out that day. I didn't have any questions, but I wish she would've known more about the info she was giving out, oh well. I'm hoping at my next appt I'll be able to schedule the A/S, but I'm thinking I'll probably have to wait until my 16 week one.

Milestones: Hearing the heartbeat, it's been such a comfort that my baby is growing and healthy.

5 weeks update

Not too much to report as of now, but I thought I could start doing a little questionnaire every few weeks. I think I decided to do this today because according to my O due date, I'm 5 weeks 1 day, which was exactly when I started bleeding with my September baby. I can't wait to be past today and into next week where I'll know what my betas are. In January, I never got above 430, I'm so hoping I'll be 3-4,000 by Monday morning. Please be thinking of me and my H this weekend, it's gonna be a long one!

How far along? 5 weeks 3 (1) days

Weight gain/loss: No weight gain

Feeling: Normal, just somewhat tired a lot of the time.

Maternity clothes? Not yet! Just wearing my regular jeans and shirts, expect I change into my comfy pants as soon as I get home, ahhhhhhhhh, much better!

Sleep: Just fine, sleeping as well as I usually do.

Food cravings: Nothing really, although lately, desserts and things don't sound good. Pasta, cheeseburgers, pizza, soups and pretty much any other real food, sounds great!

Movement? Waaaayyyy too early, maybe in 8-10 weeks!

What I miss? Mixed drinks, and caffeine. I know, I know, I can have caffeine while pregnant, but it's something I choose not to have.

Best moment this week: Hmm, not sure, the whole week was pretty good.

What I'm looking forward to: My beta on Monday!! I should hear back around 11 that morning (since I'll go in first thing)

Next Appointment: Not sure about an actual appt yet, I should know after my betas next week.

Milestones: Making through today (so far so good).

There are no words...

that can fully express how happy I am. We very excitedly got a BFP on Sunday, the 15th from our first cycle TTCAL and c/p.

I tested on my birthday (the 13th!) and it was a BFN, but I didn't expect it to be positive, I just wanted to feel comfortable drinking. I told myself I wouldn't test again until Monday when I'd be about 12 DPO and would be the 1st day of my period. HA. I tested at about 7:30 AM on the 14th BFN, so I went about my business and started making chili for lunch. For some reason I tested again at about 10 and at about 2 mins past the time frame, a line came up. This was the theme of the day as every single test came back with the same line.

I tried to keep my excitement to a minimum and slept horribly that night. I woke up around 2:30 and couldn't get back to sleep so I decided to test. Sure enough, a line and another and another, I just sat in disbelief as I watched the lines develop. I finally got back to bed around 3:15 and was looking up my potential due dates (according to LMP and according to O day), when Seth woke up and asked me what in the heck I was doing on my phone at 3:15 in the morning. I shrunk down, somewhat embarrassed and just said, "I'm pregnant". He didn't say a word, just grabbed me and hugged me, I savored every second of that embrace.

For the next half hour or so we laid there and talked about the baby and how crazy Christmas will be and all the things you talk about in the innocence of the excitement of pregnancy without a care in the world. We talked about the future the way we did when I was pregnant with Samson and for the first 5 weeks of our 2nd pregnancy. It was so nice to be able to think about the future and for once not have any worry, just have pure joy and excitement. I pray to God all day, every day that we're able to keep that innocence and excitement.

Of course ever since that early morning talk I've been a worry wart and think about every twinge and cramp. But this pregnancy just seems different, I feel like we will have a December baby and all will be right in the world. Although I'm nervous, this time around my excitement far exceeds my worry, I'm in love with this baby and I can't wait to meet our sweet baby.

My EDD based off my LMP, which my doctor will go by, unless my early u/s shows the dates are significantly off, is Christmas day. I go in for my first beta on the 30th and will hopefully have an u/s that same week.

2012 Can Kiss My Ass.

It's been exactly two months since I m/c our September Baby. Two months since I laid on our bathroom floor trying not to pass out and throw up from the pain. Two months since I finally accepted it was over and our lives were forever changed. These past three months have held such significance in my life that it's hard to grasp it and put it into reality.

I've barely talked about what happened this week with anyone, not even DH but here's my story.

This past cycle, we were TTA, but had one night of drunken passionate sex without using protection nearish O. Very shockingly, that's all it took. I started seeing the faintest of faint lines on Monday, March 19th and just chalked them up to evap lines and went on my merry way. I tossed and turned all night and finally woke up at 5:20 and couldn't get back to sleep so I decided to test. Within 3 minutes a line started showing up on my dollar store test. I laughed to myself and thought "Oh, holy shit. Of course this would happen." So I took another with the same pee, and sure enough, two lines. DH woke up about an hour later and I showed him the tests, even with his line-blindness, he saw them all. I was amazed that he saw them and I wasn't losing my mind. I continued testing all day and continued to get the lines on the dollar store tests, but my FRERs were pretty much negative. At about 2:30 that afternoon I started getting crampy and was hoping it was just normal early pregnancy symptoms. My internet cheapies started becoming positive around that time and I got more and more excited.

Around 4 I decided to test again because I was determined to get a positive FRER, when I went to the bathroom I was spotting, "Shit". Very quickly my cramps picked up and the spotting turned to flow, and very quickly my excitement turned to confusion and disappointment.

Many thoughts and questions went through my head, some of which I'm still asking myself. I wondered if I made it up, if I imagined the lines and DH was just there humoring me. I wondered if the tests were all faulty and the lines I thought were positive were just evaps. Ultimately I've come to the conclusion that it was indeed a chemical pregnancy and cursed from the start. Over before it even began.

I've had trouble these past two days deciding on what I'm feeling from this loss and the only word I can come up with is "disappointed". I'm disappointed I got excited for nothing. I'm disappointed we let this happen. But mostly, I'm disappointed that this is my second pregnancy that never had a chance.

My optimism I had at the beginning of the month has diminished and while I'm excited to try again, I'm scared shitless. Shitless. I don't want another loss, I don't want to fall in love just to have it ripped away from me. I don't want to start plans and watch them fade away and turn into utter devastation at the reality that my baby is gone. My babies are gone.

So, yea, 2012 can suck it.

Edited on 4-12 with a picture that I finally came across that I didn't look at until today. Very light, but I definitely see them now. 

Ahhhh, March!

It's MARCH! Holy crap! Where has the time slipped away to?

We're just a month and a half away from TTC again and I'm so hopeful and excited to get started. I'm on CD 12 of my 2nd post m/c cycle and I plan to start temping after the weekend, keep your fingers crossed that I O either really early, really late so the timing is good for when the MTX will be out of my system (April 20th).

I feel good where we're at and although we're anxious to get started and are still mourning the loss of our baby, we are enjoying spending lots of time with Samson. He's so much work and it's nice to be able to focus all our attention on him and each other.

Living life after a loss is really a hit and miss. Some days I feel completely and totally fine and don't even think about it, other days everything reminds me of my baby, or how far along I should be (12 1/2 weeks, but who's counting?). I got a memorial ring for the baby and shortly after we bought it, one of the diamonds fell out so it was gone to the jewelers for over 2 weeks. Ever since I got it back, it's been bittersweet seeing it on my finger.

Anyway, the beginning of this month has brought me a lot of hope as I look forward to the warmer weather, lots of birthdays between now and when we start trying again (6 of them!) and all the beautiful magnolia blossoms that are budding on our tree.

I'm in a happy place in life and I can't wait for it to get even better. 

Woot!

Kind of a sucky thing to be "excited" about, but I'm so happy with what my numbers have been doing.
Day 1 of Methotrexate - 420
Day 4 - 419
Day 7 - 356
Day 14 - 135!

I think I'm almost to the end of my blood draws and I've already had my first post m/c period. I feel like I'm right on track with a TTC date of mid to late April. I'm so glad this is almost over and I can be back to "normal" again, and I can't wait to get this show on the road.

Oh, and because he's too ridiculously cute.

The Beginning of the End.

Well, I had a blood draw yesterday and my numbers only increased from 295 to 397, my doctor deemed it a non viable pregnancy and suspects ectopic because my lining is thin in my uterus. I was given a dosage of methotrexate at around noon today, my doctor is confident that the medicine will take care of it and I won't have to have surgery. Of course this is not the ending I was hoping for, but at least it's an ending.