2012 Can Kiss My Ass.

It's been exactly two months since I m/c our September Baby. Two months since I laid on our bathroom floor trying not to pass out and throw up from the pain. Two months since I finally accepted it was over and our lives were forever changed. These past three months have held such significance in my life that it's hard to grasp it and put it into reality.

I've barely talked about what happened this week with anyone, not even DH but here's my story.

This past cycle, we were TTA, but had one night of drunken passionate sex without using protection nearish O. Very shockingly, that's all it took. I started seeing the faintest of faint lines on Monday, March 19th and just chalked them up to evap lines and went on my merry way. I tossed and turned all night and finally woke up at 5:20 and couldn't get back to sleep so I decided to test. Within 3 minutes a line started showing up on my dollar store test. I laughed to myself and thought "Oh, holy shit. Of course this would happen." So I took another with the same pee, and sure enough, two lines. DH woke up about an hour later and I showed him the tests, even with his line-blindness, he saw them all. I was amazed that he saw them and I wasn't losing my mind. I continued testing all day and continued to get the lines on the dollar store tests, but my FRERs were pretty much negative. At about 2:30 that afternoon I started getting crampy and was hoping it was just normal early pregnancy symptoms. My internet cheapies started becoming positive around that time and I got more and more excited.

Around 4 I decided to test again because I was determined to get a positive FRER, when I went to the bathroom I was spotting, "Shit". Very quickly my cramps picked up and the spotting turned to flow, and very quickly my excitement turned to confusion and disappointment.

Many thoughts and questions went through my head, some of which I'm still asking myself. I wondered if I made it up, if I imagined the lines and DH was just there humoring me. I wondered if the tests were all faulty and the lines I thought were positive were just evaps. Ultimately I've come to the conclusion that it was indeed a chemical pregnancy and cursed from the start. Over before it even began.

I've had trouble these past two days deciding on what I'm feeling from this loss and the only word I can come up with is "disappointed". I'm disappointed I got excited for nothing. I'm disappointed we let this happen. But mostly, I'm disappointed that this is my second pregnancy that never had a chance.

My optimism I had at the beginning of the month has diminished and while I'm excited to try again, I'm scared shitless. Shitless. I don't want another loss, I don't want to fall in love just to have it ripped away from me. I don't want to start plans and watch them fade away and turn into utter devastation at the reality that my baby is gone. My babies are gone.

So, yea, 2012 can suck it.

Edited on 4-12 with a picture that I finally came across that I didn't look at until today. Very light, but I definitely see them now. 

Ahhhh, March!

It's MARCH! Holy crap! Where has the time slipped away to?

We're just a month and a half away from TTC again and I'm so hopeful and excited to get started. I'm on CD 12 of my 2nd post m/c cycle and I plan to start temping after the weekend, keep your fingers crossed that I O either really early, really late so the timing is good for when the MTX will be out of my system (April 20th).

I feel good where we're at and although we're anxious to get started and are still mourning the loss of our baby, we are enjoying spending lots of time with Samson. He's so much work and it's nice to be able to focus all our attention on him and each other.

Living life after a loss is really a hit and miss. Some days I feel completely and totally fine and don't even think about it, other days everything reminds me of my baby, or how far along I should be (12 1/2 weeks, but who's counting?). I got a memorial ring for the baby and shortly after we bought it, one of the diamonds fell out so it was gone to the jewelers for over 2 weeks. Ever since I got it back, it's been bittersweet seeing it on my finger.

Anyway, the beginning of this month has brought me a lot of hope as I look forward to the warmer weather, lots of birthdays between now and when we start trying again (6 of them!) and all the beautiful magnolia blossoms that are budding on our tree.

I'm in a happy place in life and I can't wait for it to get even better. 

Woot!

Kind of a sucky thing to be "excited" about, but I'm so happy with what my numbers have been doing.
Day 1 of Methotrexate - 420
Day 4 - 419
Day 7 - 356
Day 14 - 135!

I think I'm almost to the end of my blood draws and I've already had my first post m/c period. I feel like I'm right on track with a TTC date of mid to late April. I'm so glad this is almost over and I can be back to "normal" again, and I can't wait to get this show on the road.

Oh, and because he's too ridiculously cute.

The Beginning of the End.

Well, I had a blood draw yesterday and my numbers only increased from 295 to 397, my doctor deemed it a non viable pregnancy and suspects ectopic because my lining is thin in my uterus. I was given a dosage of methotrexate at around noon today, my doctor is confident that the medicine will take care of it and I won't have to have surgery. Of course this is not the ending I was hoping for, but at least it's an ending.

Totally Off Topic, but...

We started cloth diapering Samson today! I received our diapers and covers in the mail yesterday and prepped them so I didn't really get a chance for him to wear them until today.

Isn't he cute?! I'm loving the big booty!

Now, back to my other craziness with POAS. The top test is from early yesterday afternoon where my beta was 295 in the morning, the bottom test is from 2MU, so about 20 hours apart, they've both dried so it's easier to see the difference. Be prepared for more pictures of pee sticks in the days to come. I'm liking the way these are going and I'm going to hold on to the little bit of hope we have.

We love you baby, please stay with us. <3

My Life is So Complicated Sometimes

*SIGH*
My betas keep rising, and it's driving me completely insane. The bleeding has all but stopped, just very light spotting when I wipe and I haven't really had any cramps. My beta on Thursday morning was 105, this morning's was 295, that's a doubling time of 63 hours which my doctor is viewing as normal.

He said he still suspects I miscarried but he just can't prove it and won't intervene until he knows 100% that this pregnancy isn't viable. I go back Monday for more blood work and if they're at least 1500, I'll get an u/s next week to see what's going on.

I'm really trying with all my heart not to get too excited, but it's so hard. I know the odds are so slim that this is a good thing, but I can't help but think that this could be our miracle baby.

Please keep DH and me in your thoughts and prayers that whatever happens, we are strong.

My heart is like a fountain true That flows and flows with love to you.

This is my first post and I'm having trouble finding a way to start. I guess I'll start with a little about me and why I started this blog.

I'm Z, I'm 22 and have been married to my wonderful DH for 3 1/2 years (on the 26th!). We have one amazing little boy named Samson that is the absolute light of my life. He was born on November 16, 2010 at 3:29 pm, my life has never been the same and I'm thankful everyday that God gave him to us. We started trying for #2 in July of 2011, but I was still breastfeeding and didn't start cycling until the beginning of September. Much to our surprise, I got pregnant in December and we were over the moon at the thought of another little baby to love.

On January 10, 2012, I began spotting which quickly turned to bleeding, it was later found that my betas were extremely low for 5 weeks and that they were not doubling the way they should. We had lost the baby before it even had a chance to grow.

The loss is very fresh, only 5 days out and I go from being fine one minute to welling up with tears the next. We barely had any time with our baby, just 12 short days, but in those days we were happy. So ridiculously happy.

I think about what could have been, first kicks, and hiccups, our ultrasound where we see our precious baby squirm around, finding out the sex and going shopping for tiny newborn clothes. Going into labor and rushing to the hospital, hearing the first cries and seeing his or her beautiful face, kissing those cheeks and counting those toes. Watching my son become a big brother and grow up protecting his little brother or sister. I don't get those memories, I don't get that time. All we have to mourn are the memories we'll never have and pictures we'll never take.

My blog title and post title are from a poem that has always brought me to tears.

Mother's Song

My heart is like a fountain true
That flows and flows with love to you.
As chirps the lark unto the tree
...So chirps my pretty babe to me.

There's not a rose where'er I seek,
As comely as my baby's cheek.
There's not a comb of honey-bee,
So full of sweets as babe to me.

There's not a star that shines on high,
Is brighter than my baby's eye.
There's not a boat upon the sea,
Can dance as baby does to me.

No silk was ever spun so fine
As is the hair of baby mine.
My baby smells more sweet to me
Than smells in spring the elder tree.

A little fish swims in the well,
So in my heart does baby dwell.
A little flower blows on the tree,
My baby is the flower to me.

The Queen has sceptre, crown and ball,
You are my sceptre, crown and all.
For all her robes of royal silk,
More fair your skin, as white as milk.

Ten thousand parks where deer do run,
Ten thousand roses in the sun,
Ten thousand pearls beneath the sea,
My babe more precious is to me.

I hope our future has happier times and more love, I hope we can move through this tragedy, but never forget the baby that we loved so much. It's hard to think of going on when I'm missing a piece of my heart that I'll never get back.